the things we take for granted

I have become so close to my mom in recent years that if we ever go more than a day or two without speaking, one of us is sure to worry. That's part of why I am sad tonight. My mom is laying in a hospital some 120 miles away.

I just talked to her yesterday morning, and she was trying to advise me on what to do about my car (which had died on my way home the night before). Next thing I know, she is in the emergency room getting ready to check into the hospital. She has fallen down the stairs and cracked a vertebrae. She can't talk to me because all of the nurses and such are running their tests on her. The best I can do is get news from my dad. And the news is - they are going to keep her overnight for observation.

Today, the news is worse. She is going to need surgery to remove bone fragments from her spine. Tentatively scheduled for neurosurgery tomorrow at noon, she is too drugged up and sleepy for conversation. But still, as I try to get as much information as possible from my dad, I can hear her in the background insisting that me and my sisters not come down until our work and classes are done. She doesn't want our lives to stop for her.

She is the most giving, most loving, most supportive person I have known in this lifetime, and now I am so afraid of losing her. Oh, I know that she will recover from this. She will come home and she will heal. My dad will take excellent care of her, too. But I can't help feeling like this is a turning point in her life, and mine. Something fundamental is going to change after this. She has always been so active and busy before, and this will force her to slow down. I can't imagine how she will handle it.

But honestly right now, I am mainly feeling sorry for myself because I want to call my mom and I can't. I want to tell her about my day and the decisions I am trying to make. I'm sure this is not is the first time that she has been unavailable for me to call when I wanted. But somehow, this is the first time that matters.

I would give just about anything to hear my mother's voice on the phone. Just to have things back like they always have been before. I am already missing that.