going through changes

It's been too long since I posted here, and I just wanted to give a brief update in case anybody was looking for one. I am alive and doing fine. My mom has been home for a week now since her fall, the four-hour "lumbar fusion" surgery that followed, and a week-long stay in the hospital. She is on a slow path to recovery and is working really hard to get better. I try to get down there as much as I can to help...which I am happy to do of course, but this means I have no time off whatsoever to relax and regroup. That can (and does) make things very stressful.

I feel like I've grown up a lot in these last couple of weeks. People keep telling me that in situations like this, our parents become the children and we must step up and become the adults responsible for them. But that is not true for us. Not now. My mother is a strong, capable woman who knows what she needs and how to get it. She is just weak right now, and needs my help. And after all she's done for me these last 29 years, who am I to refuse that call?

I think that even if the time comes when my mother loses all capacity, mental and physical, I will never think of her as a child. I'm sure that when people make these types of references, they don't mean to be offensive. But I feel like that way of thinking is demeaning. People grow old and become more dependent over time. That's a fact. But it doesn't mean they deserve respect any less.

So anyway, I feel like I've entered into a whole new stage of my own life because I've had to play a role that I've never played before. And besides the abrupt way that this was brought about, it has all happened quite naturally. I am evolving into the person I was raised to be, and that feels good. Feels right.

I am anxious to start documenting it all again. Thanks for reading.

the things we take for granted

I have become so close to my mom in recent years that if we ever go more than a day or two without speaking, one of us is sure to worry. That's part of why I am sad tonight. My mom is laying in a hospital some 120 miles away.

I just talked to her yesterday morning, and she was trying to advise me on what to do about my car (which had died on my way home the night before). Next thing I know, she is in the emergency room getting ready to check into the hospital. She has fallen down the stairs and cracked a vertebrae. She can't talk to me because all of the nurses and such are running their tests on her. The best I can do is get news from my dad. And the news is - they are going to keep her overnight for observation.

Today, the news is worse. She is going to need surgery to remove bone fragments from her spine. Tentatively scheduled for neurosurgery tomorrow at noon, she is too drugged up and sleepy for conversation. But still, as I try to get as much information as possible from my dad, I can hear her in the background insisting that me and my sisters not come down until our work and classes are done. She doesn't want our lives to stop for her.

She is the most giving, most loving, most supportive person I have known in this lifetime, and now I am so afraid of losing her. Oh, I know that she will recover from this. She will come home and she will heal. My dad will take excellent care of her, too. But I can't help feeling like this is a turning point in her life, and mine. Something fundamental is going to change after this. She has always been so active and busy before, and this will force her to slow down. I can't imagine how she will handle it.

But honestly right now, I am mainly feeling sorry for myself because I want to call my mom and I can't. I want to tell her about my day and the decisions I am trying to make. I'm sure this is not is the first time that she has been unavailable for me to call when I wanted. But somehow, this is the first time that matters.

I would give just about anything to hear my mother's voice on the phone. Just to have things back like they always have been before. I am already missing that.

I want a man who plays Hearts

Today, when trying to find something to do tonight more inspired than sitting in a bar or going to the movies, my friend Heidi and I hatched a plan. She has been talking about having a "game night" for years. Something where a bunch of us would hang out and play various board games and such. After she brought it up again this morning, I thought back to old times when I used to gather with old friends and play Hearts. We could play all night long, sometimes drinking and sometimes not, always with cool tunes in the background.

Suddenly, I am longing to host my own Hearts gathering! Or maybe Poker? I want to sit around my own table and play my own tunes and serve my company stovetop-popped popcorn and beer (or cocktails or wine. whatever). Maybe, in the wee hours, I would cut everybody off and give them a cup of fresh french roast coffee with cocoa. And of course, if anyone was too tired or too far gone, they would be offered the couch with pillows and blankets.

But alas, I have yet to find a single other card game lover. Are we really so rare? Tonight, it looks like the plan is to gather over at Heidi's and play board games. Which is fine, don't get me wrong. It's much better than the other event choices for the evening. But still...my craving goes unsatisfied.

I have now added this to my wish list for the future man in my life. God, would it be great if he played Hearts! Maybe he would have a couple of friends who also like to play. That seems reasonable. We could host the card-playing party together. Or I could host, and he could just stay with me afterwards. At this moment, I am loving my little fantasy. Now the trick is, don't get too attached to it...

halftime shows

Last night was the Orange Bowl, which determined our national champ for NCAA football. Before the game, I was complaining that Auburn didn't get the chance to play in that all-important game. It seemed so unfair, since they had had the same perfect season as USC and Oklahoma. But now, I can see that USC is in a class all by itself. Whoever was matched against them was bound to lose. WOW, are they good! Matt Leinart is a star for the ages. And his receivers are not half bad either...

And so I have a new grievance. It's not new really...has been a complaint of mine for years. But it is definitely the grievance of the moment.

Why don't we get to see the marching band at halftime, ever?? It's one of my favorite parts of college football, and on the rare occasions it is televised, the camera crew concentrates only on one or two band members at a time. Hardly ever do we see the ariel formations they spend months perfecting, or the visual effects created by the hard-working flag corps (of which I was once a proud member). Instead, what we get is a handful of sportscasters spewing their opinions about the game at halftime, with the band doing their thing in the background.

Of course, during major games like the one yesterday, we are treated to performances by pop "superstars" (in case they don't get enough opportunities to perform in other arenas), who hog the camera while the flag corps and dance team members do remedial moves all around. I know it is mean-spirited, but I was actually glad when the show was booed last night. Ashlee Simpson and Trace Adkins just cannot compete with the glory and uniqueness of a college marching band. Let them play, I say!


Alabama's "Million Dollar Band" marches in the halftime show of the 2003 matchup with LSU, Tuscaloosa.

guilty pleasures

Wow, it's really here. 2005. But now the time is approaching 3AM and I have nothing profound to say about it. I'm posting my pictures and then going to bed..


We rung in the new year at the Guilty Pleasures show, Exit/In. Guilty Pleasures is basically an 80's cover band, where surprise guests are known to appear frequently.


After midnight we crossed the street for pizza, served up by Akmal (left) and the boys. We had the diner to ourselves for a moment, but soon were surrounded by drunk people.


Heidi and me at the party. She is making a funny face, and will be none too pleased that I posted this photo. Sorry Heidi! It's the best I had...and I think it's cute, anyway.

Happy New Year everyone!